(Written on the 4th)

I’ll be honest, I had no idea what #natgat was all about. Ever since the whining, writhing maggots of occupy infected the Big Apple, I relegated them to the area of my brain that deals with buzzing flies and obnoxious odors. Besides living in tents and demanding hand outs these people really had no purpose, therefore I ignored them. They occasionally blipped on my radar when they would unleash their fully grown toddler fury on a city by breaking windows, painting on walls, and attacking businesses. No one ever accused occupy of being very logical, but you’d think they would have enough sense to not destroy the sources of taxation that would pay for all the free stuff they want. I suppose they think Michelle is growing a money tree in that fancy White House garden of hers.

Since I wanted to know what all the fuss was about the latest gathering of malcontents, I googled natgat and copied their schedule for July 4th and 5th. I’ve kindly provided an interpretation of the proceedings for those of us who shower daily and understand that “supply and demand” does not mean “the government must supply our demands.”


9am – Announcements – I imagine this is the droning of the human megaphone interspersed with uptwinkles (rape tents!) and downtwinkles (capitalism!).

9am – 12pm – Occupy Cafe, Friends Center, 15th & Cherry – Donated organic produce enjoyed in the presence of unwashed hippies. Yum.

10am – Noon – Visioning Exercise – drafting a blueprint for a better future – Who needs all this freedom? A better future must include free propaganda.. I mean education, mass screwing of banks.. I mean debt forgiveness, and the death of America.. I mean open borders.

Noon – Lunch Break – More donated organic produce enjoyed in the presence of even smellier hippies. No water because bans and oppression and stuff… also we’re too stupid to bring any.

2pm – 5pm – Visioning Exercise continues at Franklin Square – 6th & Race – We chant about all the things we hate and whine about how someone else should be productive enough to give our sorry lazy asses what we want. We will tweet about our profound vision of collectivism on our iPhones.

5pm – Final Community Assembly – including reading of any collectively crafted document(s) – We do hereby declare that the correct spelling of our tent city recreation areas shall be “RAPE TENT” not “rapetent” as previously stated.

6pm –  7:30pm – Dinner – Donated organic produce enjoyed in the presence of reeeeeally smelly hippies. Ignore the flies, both produce and hippies have been in the sun all day.

8pm – Final march – Route TBA – Don’t forget your anti-capitalism signs and iPhones!

11pm – Final Camp-Out & Party – Location TBA – To the RAPE TENTS!! Forward!


9am – Courtroom Solidarity for a Philly Occupier – Bring your fleas indoors to enjoy some a/c as we support our hippie comrades who break laws.
9am – #99MileMarch March to Wall Street embarks from Philadelphia Museum of Art –  OWS Guitarmy will be leading an epic 99 mile march from Franklin Square to Wall Street on the 5th for all those that want to join in the quest to deliver the Vision for a Democratic Future! RSVP on their FACEBOOK – the nasty Orcs are leaving Mordor to wage war on the peaceful Hobbits of America! (see picture)Image

Update: You can read more parodies of #natgat plus an actual occupier’s diary entry about the subsequent march at http://www.soopermexican.com by clicking on Mexiblog.

Occupy: Gnat Gat?