As we were having our morning coffee, dad and I got your email about birth control. Honey…. I don’t even know where to begin. Let me just say first of all $18,000?!?! REALLY?! I know we have to consider prices and inflation, but did you know you could buy Trojan condoms in bulk and get 1000 condoms for $350? You could have sex every day for nearly 3 years! Although the idea of my little girl being so wanton is quite frankly… sickening! What happened to the values you were taught growing up? Your father can’t even respond to your email, he’s too busy mumbling and cleaning his gun.
We realize you may think our values “old-fashioned” but the truth is those values protect you! When you respect yourself, you don’t give your body to the use of just any man who takes a fleeting interest. You don’t have to worry about pregnancy or disease or whether or not he’s going to call. You’ll never have to do the “walk of shame” or live with regret. Just think about it, dear.
I won’t pretend that I’ve lived with my head in the sand for the last decade. I know you’ve probably… charmed the snake. So if you are going to spit on the values you were taught and be so brazen as to ask your mother for help buying birth control, then get ready little girl because mama just took the gloves off. Here goes…
1) You remember making such a big deal out of being “an adult”? Well I do, honey. Good luck with that.
2) Your dad and I have graciously paid your tuition for 2 years. Your job at that little boutique allowed you to buy your books. If you are too busy humping like a rabbit to study those books and earn that degree we’ve been paying for then we can just stop paying your tuition.
3) Condoms are free at the health department.
4) If your “date” can’t be bothered with protection you should not be surprised when he tells his friends you were easy and doesn’t call you.
5) The pill increases your risk of cancer. Are you going to ask us to pay for your chemo too?
6) The pill helps regulate your period? Oh, well then… all the women in the history of ever wanted me to tell you that they almost shed a single tear for you. Ask for more hours at the boutique and take fewer classes next semester. You’ll be able to buy your own pills!
Dear, we aren’t heartless, but you trying to manipulate us by implying that we will have to pay you if we vote for Romney is a little bit like extortion. Besides, our own insurance rates went up after Obama pushed through Obamacare, and I lost my job because the company couldn’t afford the extra cost to insure employees. Your dad is worried he will lose his job now. We’ve canceled the cable, gym membership, and magazine subscriptions. We stopped eating out. I won’t be reflooring the den or buying a new comforter for the bedroom ($18,000 could refloor the whole house and pay for a nice dinner out!). You see, honey, when grown ups are faced with a change in fortune, they do this thing called “budgeting”. If you are suddenly faced with paying for birth control don’t cry to mommy. You put your big girl panties on and work out how you can cover the necessities. When you’re done with that, call me. I’d like to congratulate you on finally growing up.
p.s. I almost forgot! If you are so insistent on taking care of your .. ahem… ‘sexual needs’, you should invest in a vibrator. It’s much more economical!
(This has been a fictional response to the following ridiculous campaign e-card.)