Who Needs Guns?? We Have Kittens!!

I was inspired with this brilliant idea while commenting in a tongue in cheek way to a facebook post earlier today. The conversation was something like: “Yes guns are dangerous, if they weren’t I wouldn’t carry one.” to which I said “Otherwise you would just carry a kitten.” which got me thinking…

Who needs guns when we have kittens?!

Can’t you just imagine it…

The happy couple is leaving the theater after dinner and a movie -when suddenly!- an armed robber steps out of the shadows, pushes the man’s chest, and demands his wallet! Knowing the man’s weakness, the gun is pointed towards the woman, who screams and holds tighter to the man’s arm… Whatever will they do?! 

Calmly, the man responds “Of course, will you hold this kitten while I get it?”

The armed robber, completely taken aback by the large eyes and the soft mewling, awkwardly takes the kitten in his free hand….

and is so overwhelmed by serotonin that he giggles. 

Oh the power of kittens!! The soft fur! The tiny warm body! The PURRING! It releases chemicals in the brain of the assailant that give him a high akin to cocaine, a rush akin to vigorous exercise, and a joy akin to love! His evil purposes are forgotten as he calmly snuggles the furry little object of self-defense in his arms.

The man says, “I’ll let you keep the kitten if you’ll let us be on our way…” and the gunman replies, “Of course! I think I’ll name it Buttercup…”

What powerful effects cute animals have on us… the release of feel-good hormones in the brain is almost like biological warfare.

Wait… What?

That.. that could be a weapon!!

We can’t have people using cuteness against us! Turning our own brains against us!!

No… no, this cannot stand. Kittens must be regulated! Bunnies must be registered!! You need a permit to own a puppy!!!

How dare you use these weapons of cuteness against your fellow man! Oh, the humanity!

It’s clear we can’t be trusted with this power…. I mean, with great cuteness comes great responsibility. And you mothers! Keep your infants at home… you can’t go about flashing those gummy smiles at the unsuspecting population willy-nilly! Don’t you know there’s a CRISIS in this country?! People are addicted to CUTE! 

It’s true, you can read it here: http://www.huliq.com/10282/cute-baby-animals-viewed-worldwide-tv-safe-entertainment-families

I’m sorry to be the revolutionary here, but… I’ll be writing my Congressmen about this new biochemical danger. You know there are people who just can’t be trusted with furry little weapons. I bet the DOJ is running hamsters across the border as I type…